So if you find some benefit from my insights, feel free to use them. If you wish me to clarify for you how I arrive at a particular conclusion, feel free to ask. I will answer your question to the best of my ability and reserve the right to speak freely and personally to you. I am not speaking to you as a member of a group, class or denomination, not now, not ever! All my observations about anything will be as I personally feel about it. YOU are free to agree or disagree with MY views. Having said that, and hopefully laid the foundation for my upcoming observations, here's a snapshot about me.
I was born 61 years ago in the Republic of Trinidad and Tobago. My father was a carpenter and my mom was a homemaker. We were nominally Christians. We based our life philosophy on the veracity of the Biblical view of life as we understood it. My parents were not church-going folk. Their time was preoccupied with providing sustenance for 10 siblings and I from the meager resources of a carpenter's salary and a home-maker's earnings. However, as kids, our lives were tolerable and carefree. Our parents ensured we all got an education; some of us more than others. Along with 3 of my brothers, I completed a High school education at one the more prestigious schools in my area. I attended the national University for less than 3 months because my understanding of the printed facts of History did not jibe with the spoken views I was expected to accept. You could say that I was rather unconventional in my view of historical (and political) reality. My professor and I mutually agreed that I would not succeed at academics if I could not accept the "official" explanations of world events.
As a child, I always had strong interest in God and "religious" matters. Although my family was officially Anglican (English Catholic), I learned most of my Christian views from itinerant Baptist and Evangelical preachers until I attended a Catholic high school for further education. Priests, in my youth, were considered to be the ultimate source of "religious" knowledge. They were portrayed as having a direct link to God; they could forgive your "sins" and make things alright between you and God just like that. They could give you Penance, (a task that clears your sinful state), if you confessed your sins to them and you would not have to worry about going to Hell (a very bad place) when you died. Attending high school gave me open access to priests, so I voraciously absorbed as much "religious knowledge" as I could get. Meeting a monk was the highlight of my youth! I decided there and then that I would become a monk one day so that I, too, could be closer to God than other people.
But first, I had to become a priest. I began attending Catholic studies with the aim of perfectly understanding everything about religion. I hung on every word the instructing priests said...until we came to the part about "divine mysteries". Something wasn't right with the explanations. I had always been taught that God was NOT a man; that He had neither mother nor father; that He could NOT die; that we could NOT see Him in this life. I was ok with that. After all, priests and preachers would not lie about God...or would they? I had also been taught that the Bible was the absolute "word of God", absolute Truth. To satisfy my mind and reconcile my heart to the "divine mysteries" being taught by the priests, I began studying the Bible "with a fine-tooth comb", as we say back home. The more I studied, the more questions I developed. I accepted the story of Jesus (peace be upon him) being the "son" of God, but could not accept the idea that God would commit adultery with Mary to produce a child, since adultery and fornication were condemned as "grievious sins". I could not understand the concept of Jesus being "God Himself" as a man born from a woman He had impregnated Himself. I struggled terribly with the concept of God being "three different persons" but still only "One" being. My mind was horribly twisted when I tried to fathom the concept that Mary was the "mother" of God, who was the "father" of Jesus, who was God Himself and the "son" of God at the same time. The Bible confirmed that God had no mother or father.
Something was terribly wrong here. God would not lie to us, would He? He would not condemn adultery while doing it Himself, would He? How could he be His own father and son and impregnate His own mother? Why would He allow Himself to be killed by a mob of sinful humans so that He could forgive them for the sin of their ancestors and their wrongdoings in the future? Why put Himself through all that torture when He had the power to simply forgive and let bygones be bygones? I was taught that God COULD NOT DIE! I felt that "Something" was wrong with the whole story. Finally, in a bid to clarify my understanding, I asked the priest about these "divine mysteries" that I could not fathom no matter how faithfully I tried. He shocked me into understanding that I was being a child of Satan to harbor such questions. I had to accept the official dogma on something called Faith or I could not go to Heaven. I was crushed. All my hopes and dreams were dashed. My life was over. I had nothing left to live for if I could not go to Heaven. What was the use of trying to live a good life if I was already condemned to Hell and there was nothing I could do about it? I accepted the priest's condemnation wholeheartedly. After all, he had the hook-up with God and he would know these things.
Needless to say, My life went steadily downhill after that. My early adulthood was a crap shoot. I had no sense of value as a human being. Heck, nobody I talked to could tell me what a human being was. So I passed the time in one distraction or another. Finally, I discovered that there were other life philosophies which differed from the Christian viewpoint. I dabbled in "Eastern" philosophies for a while but never could reconcile idol-worship with reality. It just never made sense to me how worshiping a statue you made could work for you. I became irreverent until the Quran found me one day. It found me; I never even knew the Quran existed.
At 21, I was something of a smart-ass. I used to make fun of a Muslim co-worker. I was a constant thorn in his side. The characteristic I most recall about him was his patience with me. No matter how hard I tried, I could not rile him. He answered my most ridiculous questions seriously. He would absorb my taunts without flinching. He would give me pertinent answers for my twisted comments. He never lost his cool with me, no matter what. Finally, I asked him about his life philosophy. He told me it was called Islam. Curious, I demanded to read the Quran upon which this philosophy was based. He reluctantly gave me a copy, along with a host of handling instructions. It was an eye-opener! It answered all the most haunting questions I had been living with until then. It also assured me that no man had power over the mercy of God and that God had the final say over a man's fate at a future meeting called Judgement Day - a day that comes after one's death. It also explained to me that my current behavior helps determine my future destination at the hands of God. It also offered to show me how to change my behavior day by day to create for myself a life worth living with a chance of Mercy from God on the Day of Judgement. I accepted that offer and here I am today, still pursuing that course. I am becoming Muslim and I want to tell you about my experiences on the path.
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